Thursday, May 19, 2022

Radar Love

It’s little over an hour into the evening power cut. I’m staring at the road from my balcony. Just aimlessly looking for something worth looking at. Streets have gone darker by the night. There’s hardly any traffic. A lingering little shadow caught my eye. It’s one of the crows. 

Couple of ‘em comes every night and sits on the same spot. Right in the middle of the power line between the pole and our home. I’ve seen ‘em sit through heavy rain and cold nights, always turned to the same direction. There’s something there. There must be. But today, I see one.

Their act cause me pain. While my wife lights up every time, I see a tragedy, waiting to befall. Bonds are temporary. The joy when they last, is followed by an inevitable suffering. Payback, if you will. Looking at ‘em both cuddled in the night and seeing one ‘em waiting in uncertainty for the other one to return, makes my heart equally ache. 

Our views of existence puts light years between us. I wonder where we started to drift apart. I’m sure it’s me. I had a habit of conforming my personality into something else when I’m with her. And to desperately be an idea she’d fall in love with. Because I wanted her badly. But then, I’m sad and depressed. It’s my neutral state. I returned to being myself when the happy hormones left my system. I’m sure that killed the fireworks. I do love my wife. I’d sit through any storm for however long the night is. I did fake my way into her life but I’d be real as it gets; when she needs me to be. 

Other one is yet to return. Distance and uncertainty are their fears. But mine is existential. I keep getting lost in this mediocre reality. But the show must go on. I owe this much to her.